The clutches of the mind (or maybe just mine)

To put it bluntly, being a socially awkward, over-thinking mental health sufferer is a pain in the arse. 1. because mental health disorders suck, and 2. because you can go for days, weeks, even months thinking “I’m fine!” before it comes back and slaps you across the face… and this is exactly what is happening to me.
I was quite happily bopping along (sometimes barely) to the music that is my life, with a normal routine; work, studying from home, seeing close family and friends and I was coping absolutely FINE. I started to build up this confidence where I knew my worth, and didn’t give a shit what other people thought of me.
Once I finished my course I applied to university, and to my excitement (and surprise) I got accepted by my first choice, and was so looking forward to starting a new chapter in my life. And it started out great (for the first 2 weeks probs) it was new and exciting, and I’d made friends very quickly with a nice group of people with similar interests. But this is when the anxiety kicks in…
After the initial excitement that begins to wear off (pretty quickly may I add) and the pressure of workload, and trying to earn money while studying comes in, and it’s all pretty normal. What I did notice however, was that I felt like I was at school all over again.
I don’t mean in the way that you’d mess about, piss teachers off and have a laugh either. My school experience was very mixed… I had a good (small) group of friends, and we had a laugh, but I struggled like fuck at school. Not in the academic way either, but because of an overwhelming desire to fit in, and be like everyone else. Those are the feelings that came back to me after I settled into uni…
But it’s different this time round, those are the normal feelings and emotions you would expect from teenagers as they find their place in society. All I feel now is shame, how could an adult feel as desperate as a teenager to fit in? and worry so much about what people thought about them? and I know deep down, it’s because I am still living with anxiety and self-esteem issues. Both issues I haven’t had to deal with for a while, because I have had my normal routine, and close friends and family who know, or have been with me through my mental health issues in the past, and I find solace in the fact I never have to mention it, because they just know.
It’s a constant battle between knowing and wanting to admit the problem, and also wanting to ignore the problem and get on with it. I keep saying to myself, I’m an adult why can’t I just adult like everyone else!? and then I remind myself, that it took me two years struggling with my mental health disorder before I realised I was actually pretty normal. So surely I can’t be the only person to feel like this?
This feeling is still pretty new to me, so I have no inspirational or wild ideas about how to overcome this issue yet, or whether the feelings will slowly subside once I’m settled in.
I struggle to talk about my emotions, and I still have my walls up so high when it comes to trusting people, so I find my escape in writing in this blog whenever I feel so overcome with confusing emotions. And if, by chance someone else feels like this, maybe not at uni, but maybe at school, or work, or even in their group of friends, at least you know you’re not alone in this (that’s if you’ve even bothered to read the thousand word essay) but I hope it can help someone else.

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