Honestly I have come a long way in the last few years, I am grateful everyday that the panic attacks, sleepless nights and fear of everything has gone, but sometimes I am still just not OK.
Everyone goes through tough days, weeks, months, but what’s worse is when you have a mental health disorder underlying that. I can go from one day feeling overwhelmingly positive about everything in my life, and what I’ve achieved, but the next day feel this dark cloud hanging over my head.
It’s at this moment in time, this cloud seems to be ever-present. I can spend a minute feeling this sense of warmth, like a flame has lit up inside of me, until the cloud begins to pour with rain and puts it out. I try to mask it, sometimes I do it well. I try to explain it, but how can I when I barely understand it myself? How can I feel completely alone in the presence of other people, but so content in the quiet isolation of my own company? They are answers I look for, but never seem to find. Does anyone else feel as I do? I can’t be the only one who is pretending they are OK all of the time. I wish we’d all stop pretending.
Sometimes I find myself sitting there, having an internal battle about what would make my life seem more excitable, or just bearable. I think of all these things I could go and do, but I never end up doing any of them. No, instead I’ve taken a day off work, feeling mentally unwell, and end up staying in bed for the whole day as it’s all I can bare.
Worst of all, I know I am my own worst enemy. I over-think every situation I am in, and constantly compare myself to other people. Tell me if this sounds familiar, but after every conversation I have, I’m always asking myself; “Am I just boring them to death?” “Did I sound stupid saying that?”, “Am I even liked?”. It’s so exhausting having that little voice in my head making me feel small every time I talk to other people. Fuck that little voice.
The most annoying thing about it all, is that I’ve never cared what people think about me. To an extent I still don’t, but I feel threatened by other peoples ability to be so well liked, and for just being a people person, because I’m certainly not. It’s not a jealously thing, I don’t want their life, I just wish I was as convincing in pretending I had my shit together. My issue is I can’t help but believe that most people are inherently bad, I have made and lost far too many friends to believe everyone has good intentions.
I do sometimes wish I was more shallow minded. Although being a deep thinker can be great, it makes me more sensitive and intuitive about people and things around me, but it can also make you question everything. I’d love to not take things so literally, or be constantly thinking “what did they mean by that?” two days after they said it. It amazes me how in a short space of time since the worst of my anxiety disorder, I have changed this much. From being a happy, confident, loving, funny, don’t-give-a-fuck about what other people think of me type of person, dishing out advise to my friends and family about not giving a fuck what so-and-so said. Now I feel since going back to university, and being reminded of that school environment when everyone is desperate to fit in, I feel like a shell of that person again. Thanks to that shitty, dark, heavy ugly cloud, right now I am not OK, but I guess that’s OK.
Usually I like to end my blog posts on a more positive note, but sometimes we go through times where we see no positives, so I wanted to be more realistic.
If you ever feel like this, at least you know now you aren’t the only one. But this feeling is temporary, and it will pass.