No, I am not OK.

Honestly I have come a long way in the last few years, I am grateful everyday that the panic attacks, sleepless nights and fear of everything has gone, but sometimes I am still just not OK.

Everyone goes through tough days, weeks, months, but what’s worse is when you have a mental health disorder underlying that. I can go from one day feeling overwhelmingly positive about everything in my life, and what I’ve achieved, but the next day feel this dark cloud hanging over my head.

It’s at this moment in time, this cloud seems to be ever-present. I can spend a minute feeling this sense of warmth, like a flame has lit up inside of me, until the clouds appear and pour with rain. I try to mask it, sometimes I do it well. I try to explain it, but how can I when I barely understand it myself? How can I feel completely alone in the presence of other people, but so content in the silence of my own company? These are questions I seek answers for but never seem to find. Does anyone else feel as I do? I can’t be the only one who is pretending they are OK all of the time. I wish we’d all stop pretending.

Sometimes I find myself sitting there, having an internal battle about what would make my life seem more excitable, or just bearable. I think of all these things I could go and do, but I never end up doing any of them. No, instead I’ve taken a day off work, feeling mentally unwell, and end up staying in bed for the whole day as it’s all I can manage.

Worst of all, I know I am my own worst enemy. I over-think every situation I am in, and constantly compare myself to other people. I overthink every conversation I have, start imagining the worst possible scenarios in my head, question whether I am doing enough in my life and for other people. It’s so exhausting having that little voice in my head making me feel small. Fuck that little voice.

The most annoying thing about it all, is that I’ve never cared what people think about me, and I have often been told this is one of my greatest strengths. To an extent I still don’t, but I feel threatened by other peoples ability to be so comfortable with themselves, and seeming like they do it so naturally. It’s not a jealously thing, I just wish I was as convincing in pretending I had my shit together. My issue is I can’t help but believe that most people have poor intentions so much of the time. I have experienced far too many bad situations to believe everyone has good intentions.

I do sometimes wish I was more shallow minded. Although being a deep thinker can be great, it makes me more sensitive and intuitive about people and things around me, but it can also make you question everything. I’d love to not take things so literally, or be constantly thinking “what did they mean by that?” two days after they said it, or wonder whether other people have pure intentions. It amazes me how in a short space of time since the worst of my anxiety disorder that I can still think this way. During the worst of my anxiety disorder I went from being a happy, confident, funny, loving person who didn’t give a fuck what other people thought. Often giving out advice to my friends and family about not giving a fuck what anyone thinks, to now feeling like a shell of that person again. Thanks to that shitty, dark, heavy ugly cloud, right now I am not OK, but I guess that’s OK.

Usually I like to end my blog posts on a more positive note, but sometimes we go through times where we see no light, so I wanted to be more realistic and reflect that feeling. I know in time I will feel like myself again, and I certainly won’t take that for granted.

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