Thoughts of the day..
It’s easy as a mental health sufferer to feel completely alone and isolated from your peers and associates. The constant over analysing, over thinking and ability to think about ‘simple’ situations so deeply causes you to feel you’re in a league of your own. You’re searching for that one person who understands the way you think, but you find it impossible to share that bond of a completely chaotic way of thinking with anyone else.
Even after my recovery from anxiety disorder, I still remained an extremely anxious person. I completely panicked when I had a driving lesson, I could walk into a room and feel everyone is looking at me, judging, and I still have that constant fear that maybe people just don’t like me? And as much as you try to brush it off, the exposure to any confrontation can send you into complete panic overload. I can became obsessed with the thought of having the approval (be it even strangers) off of people whose opinions don’t even matter.
Situations would unfold that could cause my inner anxiety to shine through. Especially around people I don’t feel as ‘comfortable’ around. It can feel as though I’m clinging on to thin ice to retain relationships with certain people. Rather than being brutally honest and telling myself, you’re not going to like everyone, not everyone will like you, I’d desperately try to be an all round people pleaser, just lying to myself to make other people happy.
I found that following the crowd was my best option, I could easily blend in and not be noticed, which was a good thing… at the time. But who remembers or really praises a person for being a sheep? What a shit attribute to be known for. I’d rather be hated for who I am, than liked for what I’m not, I’d rather be a lion.
Confiding in people about your anxious state of mind can make you feel crazy, but it can also make you realise you’re not the only one. I found so many people around me, be it colleagues, friends or even family can have that same state of mind, and it is ‘normal’.
I always have to remind myself, that as long as I remain a decent human being, and do good where I can, it shouldn’t matter what people think, people are allowed to dislike you, but you don’t have to let it bother you. It’s not always easy or even possible to do this, and sometimes I have days where I can’t help but wonder what those around me think of me. But as long as you stay true to yourself and what you believe in, fuck what anyone else thinks. After all, what people have to say says nothing about me, but it says everything about them.